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SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS
SCENE OPENS WITH FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A TALK WITH HER.
MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS!
BRIGGS: IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE HAD FAT THIGHS?
WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN OF HER!
MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
HES A GREAT ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A PUNISHMENT?
BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, YOURE THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE!
CARLY:
MISS I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! IM TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, ON!
BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.

TWO MAIN HALLWAY
SCENE OPENS SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY
FOR SAYING YOURE IGGRESIVE!
SAM KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
AND WHAT AM I AGAIN?
KID: AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE ME.
CARLY: (IN A VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA.
WHAT?
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS!
WALKS OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
CARLY: TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!

SCENE THREE APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY TAKES THE BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS.
PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
OPENS HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
POINTS CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG AROUND THIS PIPE
FALLS ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME.
PLEASE HELP ME STAND UP.
CARLY HELPS UP.
ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA.
I WOULD
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.

SCENE PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY
CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU
OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME.
FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY!
FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE FOUR 2 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. TO AUDITION?
YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
SAM:
CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
TURNS ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB PUTS A ON.
JEB: I KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
WHEN WILL SHE BE BACK?
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WHERE CAN I FIND HER?
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: WHAT YA
CARLY: I KNOW!
YOU DONT KNOW?
CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I KNOW.
SCENE PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 ROOM
SCENE WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS
OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: WHILE ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!
JUMP AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR 6 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
AND SAM START LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
SAM: NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
(LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE.
SAM: OOH!
CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM
SCENE OPENS KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE APARTMENT AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) HEY, SAM? WAKE UP!
PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: TIME IS IT?
LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP?
SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: WHATCHA
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I HATE BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE
SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS!
SAM WALKS OVER TO AT THE COMPUTER.
WHAT? FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
CARLY: NO. HE US!
WHAT?
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY BOOBS.
SAM: US!
CARLY: IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE ALL DAY!
CARLY SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT
CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM?
SAM:
(YELLING) THATS 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.