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SCENE ONE OFFICE
SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
MISS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: A SEAT.
CARLY OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS!
BRIGGS: IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UH
PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT.
FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS?
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU REALLY TELL
CARLY AND FRANKLIN START ARGUING.
MISS OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHERS IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME IN CHARGE OF HER!
MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE SHOW THIS YEAR.
YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
MISS NO. YOU ARE!
HUH?
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A AND CARLY TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE ON SATURDAY!
MISS NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, ON!
MISS BRIGGS: ITS YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.

SCENE TWO MAIN
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY
KID: FOR SAYING IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND WHAT AM I
PRETTY AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT
INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL AN IDEA.
WHAT?
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND!
CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU
CARLY WALKS INTO A AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
BECAUSE IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!

SCENE THREE APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS.
PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
YOU CAN HAVE IT!
CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM TAKING PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS
SPENCER ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN OF ME.
SPENCER: HELP ME STAND UP.
CARLY HELPS UP.
ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
SPENCER: YEP! THAT HER.
GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA.
SPENCER: I
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK A SQUIRREL.
I MADE IT INTO A SQUIRREL.

SCENE FOUR PART 1 ROOM
SCENE OPENS CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: DO YOU THINK OF MY EQUIPMENT?
CARLY: I JUST TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP YOUR OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME.
PICKS UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY!
FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE FOUR PART 2 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. TO AUDITION?
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY LE U E MAPHEME.
SAM:
CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB A MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I HER?
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: YA THINK?
CARLY: I KNOW!
SAM: YOU DONT
I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
CARLY: HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT
I DONT KNOW.
SCENE FOUR 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I WILL BE THIS TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT!
SAM: AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR PART 6 ROOM
SCENE WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM START LAUGHING KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
SAM: NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. IS UP WITH THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) PEOPLE TO SEE.
OOH! ELEVEN?
CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
(SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, SAM? WAKE UP!
CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO YOU UP?
SAM: NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
SAM: YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: WHATCHA
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW IN HER PURSE
SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS!
SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
NO. HE UPLOADED US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY BOOBS.
THATS US!
CARLY: IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
LOOKS SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES
CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
CARLY:
YEAH?
CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.