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SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS
SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
BRIGGS: SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY IN.
PRINCIPAL HAVE A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS!
MISS IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS?
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL START ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHERS IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER!
CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER.
BRIGGS: OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE ON SATURDAY.
MISS NO. YOU ARE!
CARLY:
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
MISS NOT ANYMORE.
AW, COME ON!
MISS BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.

SCENE TWO MAIN
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR?
KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
AND WHAT AM I AGAIN?
KID: AND SWEET.
SAM: YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS HAIR TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL AN IDEA.
WHAT?
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP BAD THINGS!
WALKS OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD.
WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
CARLY: TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE?
WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!

THREE CARLYS APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF FACE.
YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
YEAH, BUT ILL JUST USE MY BROTHERS.
FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU MY DIGITS.
HEY, YOU GOT A NEW CELL PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
CARLY HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM TAKING SOME OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED THIS PIPE
SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME.
SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME UP.
CARLY SPENCER UP.
ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC.
FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
SPENCER: YEP! THAT HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA.
I WOULD
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
I MADE IT INTO A SQUIRREL.

SCENE PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM
OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: DO YOU THINK OF MY EQUIPMENT?
CARLY: I JUST TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
CARLY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY AND IM GOING HOME.
FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY!
PUTS HIS CAMERA DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE FOUR PART 2 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
OKAY
CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE)
FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB A MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
WHEN WILL SHE BE BACK?
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
JEB: WHERE CAN I FIND HER?
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE OFFSTAGE.
WHAT YA THINK?
CARLY: I KNOW!
SAM: YOU DONT
CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I KNOW.
FOUR PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM
SCENE OPENS GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT!
JUMP AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE PART 6 AUDITIONS ROOM
OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
THATS NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) PEOPLE TO SEE.
OOH! ELEVEN?
CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, SAM? UP!
CARLY PUTS HER ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP?
SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I DIDNT YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
SAM: YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: WHATCHA
IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE
CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME AT THIS!
SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: WHAT? DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
NO. HE UPLOADED US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
THATS US!
CARLY: IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASNT TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
LOOKS SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER POINTY BOOBS!
WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT
CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM?
SAM:
(YELLING) THATS 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.